When I was fifteen I promised my cat (who was also my best friend) Whiskers that I'd make sure he never died before I did. That I'd never let anything bad happen to him as long as I was alive. At the time I didn't expect to live past eighteen so I was pretty confident in this promise. Two of my cat friends had previously died, as well as my family's dog Toby who I loved for constantly helping me out on the farm, and I didn't want to lose another friend.
Whiskers died barely two years later due to rat poisoning. He died screaming and yowling in pain as I watched helplessly, unable to do anything but take him to a vet to be put down. The last thing that I remember him doing was climbing into my schoolbag and staring desperately up at me as blood ran down his chin. There was a lump the size of my fist in his stomach and I couldn't do anything. All I could do was dig him a grave underneath his favorite tree and try and act like I wasn't as upset as I actually was. I spent the ride home crying and nobody even offered me a word of comfort. My dad told me: 'I don't think Whiskers wanted to die', which pretty much destroyed me all over again. Like it was my fault Whiskers had died, that he could have survived without having to be put down like the Vet recommended.
That was the worst moment of my life. A lot of bad things have happened to me, some of them I can barely think about without having a panic attack, but watching Whiskers die destroyed me. He was just a cat and I was a teenager, so I know how pathetic this is. The only things I've ever felt close to in life have been animals, not humans. It's laughable. To this day I still can't have proper conversations with people, hold onto friendships, or reciprocate other peoples emotions. But I can spend hours talking to a dog I barely know about stuff I'd never bring up to even my old psychologist.
Something happened today, that I could have done something about, that could have made my life better in so many ways, but it involved talking to someone I didn't know so I didn't do it. Just like the last couple thousand times.
I haven't slept well in years, haven't relaxed in even longer and haven't felt comfortable and safe for longer still. I'm so tired. So angry. So bitter and frustrated and stubborn. I'm not helpless. I'm not a victim. I'm just an idiot without a best friend anymore.
